Sunyata (Emptiness (& Enlightenment))

 By becoming empty, one becomes open to completeness.

"[T]he root of all suffering lies in the ignorance of clinging, the error of mistaking the relative for the absolute, the conditioned for the unconditioned. We take imagined separation as real, supposed division as given. By virtue of self- consciousness, we have an awareness of the unconditioned reflected in our conditioned nature, a sense of the real. But under ignorance we do not discriminate between the unconditioned and conditioned, causing us to confuse them and take the relative as absolute. "The error of misplaced absoluteness, the seizing of the determinate as itself ultimate, is the root-error."[116] Sunyata is the antithesis to this error, the antidote for suffering."  — Source

While I have been emotionally emptied due to recent situations, and feel completely hollow, yet completely open, inside, I also now sometimes feel as if I am so openly full of nothing that I am filled with the essence of Being. Although I am not without thought or have a blank, non-dwelling mind, by becoming empty I am now open and filled with the substance of the universe and reality, which is a necessary path to both salvation and enlightenment.

Illusion

 I am not completely empty or devoid of desire, for I still desire her with the essence of my being, but by so desiring I am a prisoner of suffering, which is emptying in itself (and for the fact that everything inside that I consciously and emotionally gave to her I no longer possess, like emptying a house of all furniture). What if the emptiness allows the soul and mind to become a pathway, an open channel to something greater, something more full, simply because it is no longer clogged—impeded—by feelings.

Surrender

Complete surrender and the annihilation of ego in recognition of the Self.

"From the standpoint of liberation, sunyata is the skilful means that disentangle oneself from defilement and unsatisfactoriness. The realisation of sunyata leads one to no attachment and clinging. It is the skilful means towards enlightenment and also the fruit of enlightenment." — Source

This is (a) key to transcendence.

One must unlearn in order to move forward. See "The Hanged Man"

Introspection 

"Absolute Subjectivity is not the ego subject, as in the dualism subject vs object. It is called Subject only because it hints that Reality lies in what now appears to be the direction that we call inward, subjective, towards the very centre of our being, a centre so deep and profound that it is God’s centre as well, we realize that it contains no dualisms at all, either that of subject vs object or inward vs outward. Here is the marriage of heaven and hell, and dualistic language fails us." — Source

"Who looks inside, awakens.” — Jung

Emptiness as pure consciousness without thought or desire and receptive to Spirit; freeing/emptying the mind from the concept of separateness and the externalizations of objects/people/things that are not-I. Free from desire, and by extension free from personal subjective mind and base human emotion of the ego, the unity of the wholeness is complete emptiness.  Pure consciousness.

Detachment

Enlightenment: being freed from the chains of human passion and desire, from base human emotion.  All emotion seeks to satisfy a personal, selfish desire. Unshackling oneself and emptying oneself of these things is being freed, enlightened. 

By not having complex emotions, one becomes childlike. Yes, children experience the simplest of emotions, but they are still emotionally empty, for the most part, and by freeing oneself of these burdens one continues on the path to salvation.  

"Unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven."

— Matthew 18:3

Become like children: unlearn. 

Pure, simple being: A smile while gazing at a sunset, a sunset that becomes you, within and without, signifying nothing but what it is at that Moment. Nothing more. Staring "God" in the face.

Walk into the fire with your eyes open.

"Happiness and suffering inter-are. You should not try to run away from suffering because you know that a deep understanding of suffering can bring about insight, compassion, and understanding. And that is the foundation of happiness." — Source

~Selah




**Further Reading

Wherever You Are, Enlightenment is There

Emptiness is Enlightenment
  

The Hanged Man

"Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens.” — Jung

"The Fool settles beneath a tree, intent on finding his spiritual self. There he stays for nine days, without eating, barely moving. People pass by him, animals, clouds, the wind, the rain, the stars, sun and moon. On the ninth day, with no conscious thought of why, he climbs the tree and dangles from a branch upside down like a child. For a moment, he surrenders all that he is, wants, knows or cares about. Coins fall from his pockets and as he gazes down on them - seeing them not as money but only as round bits of metal.

"It seems to him that his perspective of the world has completely changed, as if his inverted position has allowed him to dangle between the mundane world and the spiritual world, able to see both. It is a dazzling moment, dreamlike yet crystal clear.

"Timeless as this moment of clarity seems, he realizes that it will not last. Very soon, he must right himself, but when he does, things will be different. He will have to act on what he's learned. For now, however, he just hangs, weightless as if underwater, observing, absorbing, seeing." — Source

Meditation. Fasting. Denial of Self. Vulnerability. Surrender. Openness.

"The Hanged Man . . . is totally vulnerable to the world, and in his vulnerability he has found strength. The sacrifice he has made is his own freedom and power in the physical world; in exchange, he is granted real freedom and power on the spiritual plane. He gives up his old ways of looking at things and is blessed with new eyes.

"[T]he Hanged Man also urges you to look at things in a new and different way. If your mind is yelling at you to do something, then doing nothing could be the best thing to do. If something is important to you emotionally but it no longer serves a purpose, you might want to think about letting go of it. And don't try to force anything to happen while the Hanged Man is about. By trying to force changes, you ensure that they never happen. Relax and let things happen instead of trying to interfere. Instead of fighting against the current, let it take you wherever it is flowing.

"When the Hanged Man appears, know that greater wisdom and happiness is at hand, but only if you are prepared to sacrifice something for that wisdom. Sometimes it is something physical you must be deprived of, but in most cases it is a perspective or a viewpoint that must be left behind. For example, a fantasy that you can never fulfill, or a crush on someone who's out of your reach. Inevitably, sacrificing something you value will always lead you to something even more valuable. In the wake of an unattainable dream you will find something else within your reach. Forgetting about one love will allow your heart to open to someone else."

Source

“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.” — Emerson

My curse is acting against intuition. Intuition tells me to do or not to do something; I do the opposite. I struggle, knowing what I should do, but I always find a way to justify my intuition as being wrong, and why I must act against my better judgement. My desire is too strong.

"Those who restrain desire, do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained"

— William Blake

The will to act and to satisfy my impulses are too great, like trying to tame a wild beast let loose in my soul. In a sense, it is like an addiction, although there is no substance at hand except A) emotion and B) perhaps various neurotransmitters. There is a reason we do things: because they make us feel a certain way as we seek to pacify desire and to ease our present conditions and ailments. In so doing, we (or I) create an entirely different condition (or ailment) by the act simple of doing (against better judgement). Substituting one condition for another, when the end result is not as hoped or as expected.  An act that cannot be undone.

"Once done, so it IS."

My desire is too strong to restrain.

Although I have found enlightenment in the past, and have been content many times over, the temptations brought by love and desire have clouded my judgement and caused me to act—or not act—either which turns out to not be in my self interest. Or is that true? Remember, everything happens for a reason. We act, we don't act, and in the greater scheme, the larger plan, there is a reason. In the long run, then, everything falls in to place and everything works out in what was meant to be, so maybe all actions are, in essence, in our best interest simply because everything happens for a reason, regardless if we know the reason.

"What is meant to be, will happen in the right way, with the right person, at the right time."

—Unknown

The greater wisdom and happiness that I found, many years ago, that I still have deep within, must be rediscovered, uncovered, reclaimed, because it has become covered with dust, sitting in the attic of an ancient mansion covered in cobwebs. The great wholeness, the spiritual well of peace and Enlightenment that makes my soul burst with a beauty that is inexpressible and indefinable, can only be reclaimed by hanging upside down, inverted, looking within, and re-gaining a perspective that I have allowed to lie dormant and drowned by a rush of emotions like a burst dam racing through a narrow ravine. 

What is buried must be uncovered. 

What is sick must be cured.  

I must reclaim...myself.

~Selah

Rebound

I have come to believe that I was simply a rebound.

A rebound from a girl out of a 6 year relationship, the other with whom she was still living, looking to ease the pain of being broken up. I now believe that he broke up with her, but I don't know why. I explained things that happened in previous posts, and this why I think I was a rebound. When I invited her to the wrap party, and she said yes (I didn't know she had recently been broken up for less than a month), it was her way of escaping her own pain and problems. Something she had never done or experienced before, with someone new, to take her mind off of her situation. And she got to meet Jim Carrey. And we had a great time. I could see it in her eyes.

Even when we went to the Botanical gardens before Christmas to see the lights, she was radiant. She loved it. She loved being there, with me, and we had a great time.

After she left for Cincinnati for Christmas, and came back about 1.5 weeks later, we went to the Nutcracker ballet the same night she returned. She waited for me in the parking lot (we met there, as we had done every time we had gotten together), and we went together. At that time, she had a great time (I could see her face and eyes during the show filled with delight), but otherwise she was distant, aloof. Reserved. And that was the last time I ever saw her.

Her birthday was a couple of weeks later, and I told her the week before that I'd like to do something for her. She said that she was already going out with friends, but we could do something the next week. I called to ask the next week, but she didn't answer, and she didn't respond to my voicemail, or texts. This was about the time she started ignoring me.

I don't know what happened.

I believe he broke up with her. But why? Perhaps because:

I do, however, now see that she is emotionally immature. Well, I won't say emotionally immature, but immature in a way I can't pinpoint. After the way she played this game like a high schooler, it confirms immaturity. A 29 year old woman that acts like a high school girl when dealing with guys (or at least with me). If she can't just be honest, but has to resort to "Oh, I'm just gonna ignore him, maybe he'll go away" after two months of talking, is just immature, impolite, childish.  I admit, I'm inexperienced myself, but I am sincere. I am honest. I don't play games, but I don't always know what to properly do.

After she said she would still "love" to be friends (a way of trying to spare me disappointment?) on Valentine's Day (Friday), I texted her (the next Wednesday), said I'd like to talk, and asked if we could get together soon and talk. Today is Friday, and no response.

I now think she is immature and a liar. I don't know what happened, but I now think she has some serious issues. I think I was a rebound that she now has gotten tired of, and that's not cool.

On the other hand, I don't want to rebound anyone. I am hurt, angry, and I am doing anything I can to take my mind away, including neglecting myself. Not eating, little sleep, wine, pushing toward exhaustion, but then I see or meet someone who becomes a ray of hope. And I know that due to my state, I am vulnerable and that person is a crutch. Yes, I am looking to find someone to fill this void, someone to take my mind away (which makes me no different, now, than her, I guess). And even if that person is beautiful, and it turns out that person has a boyfriend, or is married, I am again crushed, as has happened already, more than once.

So delicate and crushed am I, and all because of her.

Amanda, why? Why is this happening?
Amanda, what? What happened?

And here I thought—hoped—you were different.  

After everything, why did you suddenly create this wall between us? Was it something I did, or is it you, your emotional indecision and immaturity? Was it simply a "Oh, that was nice for a while, next please," type of acquaintanceship?

Don't you see I'm sincere? I surrender myself. To you. I'm exposed.

There's nothing more or anyone else I see.

I've surrendered everything in Hope.

Exhaustion

Pushing to the limits
of physical, mental, and
emotional exhaustion
in a conscious effort
to rediscover
Enlightenment
in the ashes of
Hope.

Despair

When you're empty,
those dreaded words,
like stark funeral bells in the dead of winter,
echo forever
through your hollow soul...

~Selah

Hope & Loneliness

"I hope."

*******

Loneliness staring at you with wild eyes.

Life born out of loneliness like a rabid beast let loose on the world. 

******* 

Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for.

—Dag Hammarskjold

So many things I want to experience and do in life, but I have no one with whom to experience (do I really need someone with whom to experience? That's another philosophical musing in itself).

The eternal quest of the individual human being is to shatter his loneliness.

—Norman Cousins

When I met her, I had hope (and I still cling to hope). When I met her, I decided (yes, I suppose I "decided" even though I did NOT choose the way I felt) that she was the only one with whom I wanted to experience things. In my mental imagery, I created a template for a life that was not real, only desired. This is not, in itself, a very smart (or healthy) thing to do simply because it is these expectations, these hopes, that, once going unfulfilled, are the cause of suffering. "Hope deferred maketh the heart sick." Prov 13:12. Hope, such a dangerous thing, driving men insane with unattainable desires.

"Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man."

—Friedrich Nietzsche

"He that lives upon hope will die fasting." — Benjamin Franklin

But then again, what is life without hope? We either have no hope, and therefore a singular existence that is futile ("To live without hope is to cease to live." —Dostoevsky), or we have too much hope, that we know will never bear fruit. So how do we reconcile ourselves with just enough hope that it keeps us sane but that it doesn't drive us to despair in the end?

"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies."

"Hope deferred maketh the heart sick; But when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life."

—Proverbs 13:12

I can't just randomly, casually date. I have to feel something (physical attraction) first.  But isn't that the point in dating? Casually dating until that spark, the chemistry, is felt? Perhaps to most, but not to me. Perhaps then, I delude myself by expecting something to be a certain way without ever trying it out. Love grows, so they say, which would fit in with seeing if the spark happens and kindles into something. That's why people date, to see if there's chemistry.

Which is good, I suppose. It's better if two people's feelings are gradually created together, wherein they can grow together, than a flame that suddenly begins with one person (and possibly eventually slowly dies on one end), while the other person takes time time to kindles and burn. What good is one dying while one is being born? Isn't that, however, the nature of unrequited love, and why we hurt so badly?

I'm tired of being alone. All these things I want to do, for so many years, so many things I have missed out on because there is no (female) companion. I have hoped for so long... Now, the struggle has begun again, to function and to reclaim the peace I once had without love. "I don't like this feeling. It's dark and cold in here."

*******

Love is . . . the principal means of escape from the loneliness which afflicts most men and women throughout the greater part of their lives.

—Bertrand Russell

*******

"I hope." For you, Amanda. 

The last time I truly wanted someone so badly was 10 years or so ago. But that brings another problem, the concept of "owning." I don't "want" her, I don't want to possess her. I want her to be a part of my life. I want to grow, experience, build, create: With

"I hope." For us, Amanda. 

 

"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies."


I will not give up on you. 

~Selah

It is strange to be known so universally and yet to be so lonely
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/lonely.html#J2YVysDU5eJvbriI.99

It is strange to be known so universally and yet to be so lonely.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/lonely.html#J2YVysDU5eJvbriI.99

It is strange to be known so universally and yet to be so lonely.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/lonely.html#J2YVysDU5eJvbriI.99

Defeat

Like mad hysterics
and the will to hang on to life
in the last moments,
when you've been so defeated,
so reduced to nothing,
that there's no where else to turn,
only then do you surrender yourself,
and give to the one who leveled you
the last bit of love
you have left.

~Selah

"Hope is the last thing a person does before they are defeated."  —Henry Rollins

"I would still love to be friends..."

Can we still be friends?

After she told me that she had started dating someone (adding that is was extremely recent, this being after she had ignored me almost 2 weeks), I told her that I had been interested in her, and was interested in dating her (which I admit, I told her I was interested in her the first time we went out), and that I would be here if she decided she wanted something, she says she still wants to be friends. That I'm an awesome, great person, and she'd love to still be friends.

Should I have told her more sooner? I wanted to. Personally. Not via text or voicemail, but she wouldn't respond to calls or texts to do anything.

Can we still be friends?

Yes and no.

When I think of her with someone else I'm depressed. So depressed that I'm ripped apart. And I have NEVER felt like this regarding a girl before when it comes to a guy. I used to think that indifference was a true sign of caring (because it shows there's no jealousy), that she'd come around. 

But I'm still full of hope that this (new dating) is so new with her, still so new that it's testing the waters to see if something is there, but knowing her past relationship was 6 years, I'm scared (even though I don't know how or why it ended). And then I think, well, what about when we started talking and "dating." Did she consider us "dating" until she realized there was no spark (on her end)? I considered us talking, not dating, because there was no intimacy—at all. Smiles and talk, a hug when greeting and leaving. That's it. When sitting together her hands were clasped in her lap, her body language was closed. I thought this was because she was still dealing with issues regarding her ex (being the lady that she is), and couldn't open herself until she was totally free. And this is why I gave her space. Why I didn't try to crowd her. But maybe I gave too much.

I WILL continue on in the same manner as before with her, because I'm still hopeful that things won't work out and she will remember me and want to try to have something. Boy, that sounds cruel. But what else do I have left?

Does this make us friends? Probably not. It's probably her way of smoothing things out, either for her own transition or my own (even if I think she does truly want to remain friends). I have not known her to be dishonest. If she says something, I will believe her. Perhaps I'm naive. Why do I say this? Because she stopped answering texts. Because she stopped calling me, or answering the phone. Because she distanced herself. But because she wants to still be friends, will anything change?

Because it's obviously easy enough for her because she doesn't have the emotion I have, which makes it hard for me.

I have to remind myself that she just got out of a 6 YEAR RELATIONSHIP. That HAS to be hard. She's certainly stronger than I. I cannot fathom how hard that is. I would be dead.

You're so strong. 100 times stronger than I.

I want you to come around, Amanda.

I will be here.

Regardless, I want you to be happy. Even if that means with another person.

~Selah

You changed me.

Symbols & Meanings

I believe in meanings. I believe everything happens for a reason (see previous post) and I believe everything has a meaning.

I believe in symbolism. I believe that we attribute meaning to things based upon both conscious and unconscious symbols born both from our experience and from the deep well of archetypes carried through History in the collective unconscious.

I started this blog Valentine's Day, 2014 while deeply hurting.

That same night, something rare and freakish occurred: there was an Earthquake. In Georgia.

I'm not one to read the Bible or quote verse much (although I dig Jesus' messages), but there is something about moving mountains with enough faith. Perhaps, with enough energy from one man so consumed and involved with such a pure feeling (Love (and also Pain)), the earth can shake. Such a romantic idea.

"And his love for her moved mountains as he mourned the loss of true love." I'd buy that book.

Perhaps, one man feels so much, so strongly, and so purely, so rightly that he can influence the world in ways he never knew or even wanted.  A divine side effect of being human. Of being a feeling human, so full of the ONE most important emotion...ever.   (Or perhaps the same could be said, only substituting the word wrongly. I do not know)

"Blessed are the pure in heart."

Meaning.

Why was there an earthquake this night? Why did I meet this girl? Why did I develop this feeling for Amanda? What does this add to my life? Perhaps I'm shortsighted. Perhaps it adds nothing NOW, but adds only later by present subtraction. Of perhaps it makes me stronger in the future. Perhaps it's preparation. Hopefully for her at a future time. 

Why?

Meaning.

Meaning exists by itself. We cannot attribute meaning itself.

We must find the Truth.

~Selah

"Blessed are the pure in heart."

******************

Addendum to meaning.

Meaning also exists, alas, by extension itself and by extension also to memory.

I remember in high school my first girlfriend's favorite song was "Just Like Heaven," by The Cure. After she broke up with me, it took me years before I could ever listen to that song.

The same thing happens to us always. A thought, a memory that is associated with someone or something that happened to coincide at the same time, whether arbitrary or real.

As luck (or fate, or a joke of the gods) might have it, the first night I met Amanda I mentioned that I was going to Charleston—Folly Beach to be exact—and she said that was her favorite place ever.

We were still very new and talking at the time I went, and when I was going, when I was there, when I was leaving, she is all I could think about. As I walked around looking at things, I saw her. She was there with me. That was my first time there.

"Here I was born, and here I died."

Now, that memory is forever associated with her. Even now, when I think of that place, I think of her, and it depresses me. A memory that is not real is created as a memory of a memory and it haunts me. How long before I can return? The memory is now there, a living creation of my wishes born of desire.

The beautiful place I experienced that is now associated with something that brings me pain and with someone I love.

"You can never go home again."

"Blessed are the pure in heart."

Everything happens for a reason...

Even if we don't know or understand the reason.

Everything that hurts us becomes a part of who we are. It defines us and we carry it, it makes us stronger after it weakens us and reduces us to nothing.

"You're running from your past and your pain. And yet you keep it so... close to you, so you don't have to be afraid of who you are..." The Saint

It makes us stronger, but it also leaves scars.

"There's a crack in my soul." —Marilyn Manson

In order to rebuild something anew it must first be reduced to a foundation. It must first be destroyed. We tear down ourselves and we are torn down by all the things that happen in life, only so that we will be rebuilt stronger, taller. But first, one must clear the rubble, sift through the debris. 

Dear god without a name:

Of the few things I have asked of you, things which have been consistently and repeatedly ignored, no I don't blame you, but I hold you responsible. Even though I there's a bigger, grander reason I can't yet know, my selfishness and stubbornness still blames you.

I DO believe there is a reason for everything, even if we don't know it. I have lived and experienced enough to know, and I have felt it myself.

Prove it. 

Sincerely, The man without a name. 

~Selah

*I want to know the reason...

...if it be your will.

 Kyrie eleison. 

I Blame Myself (Revelations and Reflections Valentine 2014 Pt 5)

I blame myself for allowing this to happen.

I know it's no one's fault and I certainly know it's not hers.

I blame myself for allowing this to happen, for allowing myself to feel, for allowing myself the expectations that I should have known not to expect.

"Hope for the best, expect the worst."

"We must accept infinite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope." — Martin Luther King, Jr.

I did both.

...or did I.

I think I had too much hope, but I knew it would be the worse. I foresaw it. And I drove headlong. Like driving toward the cliff hoping you'll fly but knowing you'll crash.

***

I'm hurt, and I'm angered, but not at her—not at you, Amanda. I know better than that. I'm more angry at myself, for allowing it.

"The heart is meant to be broken." — Oscar Wilde

I've guarded myself for a long time. Sometimes, that's not enough. I didn't let my guard down with you, it just happened. There was nothing I could do. Something about you reduced me to something I had not been—or felt—in years. You exposed me, you made me vulnerable. No...I must choose my words more carefully. You did not expose me, you did not make me vulnerable because you didn't do anything on purpose. I allowed myself to be exposed, I allowed my vulnerability to become exposed.

You leveled me. Not intentionally, but because I allowed myself to be exposed.

"You're running from your past and your pain. And yet you keep it so... close to you, so you don't have to be afraid of who you are..." The Saint

"I'm saying you've already done plenty of things to regret, you just don't know what they are. It's when you discover them, when you see the folly in something you've done, and you wish that you had it do over, but you know you can't, because it's too late. So you pick that thing up, and carry it with you to remind you that life goes on, the world will spin without you, you really don't matter in the end. Then you will gain character, because honesty will reach out from inside and tattoo itself across your face." The Big Kahuna

I blame myself.

~Selah

All my little thoughts (Reflections and Revelations Valentine 2014 Pt 4)

All my little words

All my little thoughts

All my little notes...

(AKA: Descent into futility, and a bunch of other bullshit) 

"I'm not interested in anyone else but you."

"I'm really happy that we met. I meet a lot of people but you're different. I've not met anyone like you. And I'm not interested in anyone else."

"I'd like for us to see each other and do things more often."

"You're a very special person I'm glad to have met. This day and the rest of the year I wish you sunshine, blessings, and everything your heart desires" (birthday thoughts)

"So many things I want to experience only with you."

"If you need to talk or anything, I am here."

"I'll wait for you, whenever you want to talk, Amanda. I'm not interested in anyone else."

"Is everything all right, Amanda? Is there something I should know? I don't want to give up on you."

"I hope everything is all right, and I'm not sure what's going on, but you let me know when you have time/might want something between us"

"Let me know when you're ready to talk. I'll wait for you, and I won't give up on you. I'll be here."

"Something changed in me when I met you."


And I love her...

~Selah

(I will wait for you)

Reflections and Revelations, Valentine 2014 Pt 3

The man who has lost everything

...is now free.

To do anything.

~Selah

(and he's waiting by the open window)

Reflections and Revelations, Valentine 2014 Pt 2

—Now, I am broken. —

So, today the world crashed down.

It has been many many many years since I have created and solidified this idea in my head. I meet and talk with many people, am attracted to many people, all in these—wow—10 years. 10 years it has been since i felt something like this.

And now it bit me. I see this idea. I see this person. I created this ideal. But I also see her.

It happened randomly.

I meet people every day, but when I saw her, when I met Amanda, something changed.
We talked regularly. We went out, we texted, and we spoke on the phone.  She would call me. She would text me. I would do the same.

And something changed in me. Something was taken from me. I'm not sure where it went, but first something kindled, and I saw her in everything. I saw a future. I felt a feeling. I had a vision of her and of things that I had not seen before. She was not just a girl I was attracted to, or was generically interested in, but she was a girl—a lady—with whom I saw a future. Of all the people—women—I meet, when I met her there was this great spark, this great illumination like the veil of reality had been lifted from my eyes and I beheld the world, newly born at the primordial dawn.

This feeling I did not create...or did I? Yes, it was an unconscious creation born from deep within and unconsciously spread across the wind and the corners of the earth and projected onto her.

The idea created, onesided.

We went to the wrap party, the ballet, the botanical gardens...

I made a promise to myself that she was the one that I would commit to. And of all the people I had met in the past several years, there was no one else that I was interested in enough to dedicate myself to.

When I think of her I see a future. When I see her, I see a life.

Since she had just gotten out of a long term relationship (6 years) with the guy with whom she was still living, and since i knew she was going through emotional times, I gave her space. I was patient. I texted and called occasionally (a couple to three times a week), trying to maintain distance without crowding, giving space, but still saying I was here.

(Rebound? Was I simply a rebound?)

And then she wouldn't take my calls. And for a couple weeks she wouldn't respond to texts. And then she says she recently started dating someone, but she wants to be "friends." I know one can't force attraction. Either something is there, a spark that kindles, or it isn't. Yet there is still time for growth. And I will wait, because she's a different, special sort. Or so I want to believe, clinging onto that belief at all cost. I can't go through this stuff again.

And now I'm ripped apart. I created this idea. This idea that turned out to not be mutual. Something I would have sacrificed myself for. 

"After she left him, he died. He walked around but he died." — East of Eden

I have now been hollow for 2+ months.

How did I allow this of myself?

Perhaps things will turn around.

"When I think of her I see a future. When I see her, I see a life."

They gave each other a smile with a future in it.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/ringlardne380977.html#0qKktK15C0SvCbuU.99

They gave each other a smile with a future in it.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/ringlardne380977.html#0qKktK15C0SvCbuU.99

They gave each other a smile with a future in it.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/ringlardne380977.html#0qKktK15C0SvCbuU.99

“They gave each other a smile with a future in it.” — Ring Lardner Dream a Little Dream


—Now, I am broken.—


"I don't want any kind of love anymore." East of Eden

******

But I WILL wait. On her. I'm that stubborn.

Revelations and Reflections, Valentine 2014 Pt 1

"He looked at her but he didn’t see her. He saw this idea” — Paris, Texas 

"I think love is something people make up to make themselves feel better." — Dandelion

The realization that came to me a few years ago, but which was suddenly lost in the void, yet came full circle within the past (24 hours? Week? Month?).

What is love? (baby don't hurt me..Oops, lyric).

Those two quotations had the greatest impact on my realization and musings on "love," and they recently come right back to bite me. Let me explain.

What is love? From a philosophical standpoint, we love as an extension of ourself that we seek out to fill as a primordial part of ourselves from which we have been separated. Whether separated due to the great stepping down of dualities when Self and consciousness were being born, or but for the fact that we have fragmented ourselves along the way in our spiritual enlightenment, we still seek to once again fuse the gap that has separated us.

In our quest for love, we all have, create, and find the IDEA of love, this idea of fulfillment. But that is all that it is. An Idea. It is onesided. We see a projection of ourselves in something else that we define as love, and therein lies the trap: it's a projection. People project things all the time: most of our feelings, even though we are unaware, are simple projections of ourselves and our desires. When we love, we see this idea of what we imagine—and want—love to be. This is why "we" "create" it to make us feel better. Because it makes us feel whole, like we were in the beginning. This is also why marriage is a union into oneness/wholeness, and why sex is symbolically the same: a union of opposites, a completion.

But insofar as love, the problem arises simply because it is onesided. Because we singly create it for ourselves. And this is why people get hurt and why "love" doesn't work.

It's only when two people, mutually, look at one another and see the same illusion, when both see the same idea about the other person that it works. Then it ceases to be onesided, it ceases to be a longing for some idea created and projected by and existing only for oneself, and it becomes a mutual ideal wherein two people can create a life together. And THAT is the essence of love. The only essence of love. Unless two people have that idea—that illusion—TOGETHER about each other, nothing will work.

Two people looking at each other and seeing an idea (read: ILLUSION).  Only together..

Otherwise the idea is more false than before, and never works.

"He looked at her but he didn’t see her. He saw this idea”  

I saw her, all right, so I don't think I'm guilty of that. But I also created the "idea" of how I want her to be. So, maybe I didn't see her after all...

~Selah