Reflections and Revelations, Valentine 2014 Pt 2

—Now, I am broken. —

So, today the world crashed down.

It has been many many many years since I have created and solidified this idea in my head. I meet and talk with many people, am attracted to many people, all in these—wow—10 years. 10 years it has been since i felt something like this.

And now it bit me. I see this idea. I see this person. I created this ideal. But I also see her.

It happened randomly.

I meet people every day, but when I saw her, when I met Amanda, something changed.
We talked regularly. We went out, we texted, and we spoke on the phone.  She would call me. She would text me. I would do the same.

And something changed in me. Something was taken from me. I'm not sure where it went, but first something kindled, and I saw her in everything. I saw a future. I felt a feeling. I had a vision of her and of things that I had not seen before. She was not just a girl I was attracted to, or was generically interested in, but she was a girl—a lady—with whom I saw a future. Of all the people—women—I meet, when I met her there was this great spark, this great illumination like the veil of reality had been lifted from my eyes and I beheld the world, newly born at the primordial dawn.

This feeling I did not create...or did I? Yes, it was an unconscious creation born from deep within and unconsciously spread across the wind and the corners of the earth and projected onto her.

The idea created, onesided.

We went to the wrap party, the ballet, the botanical gardens...

I made a promise to myself that she was the one that I would commit to. And of all the people I had met in the past several years, there was no one else that I was interested in enough to dedicate myself to.

When I think of her I see a future. When I see her, I see a life.

Since she had just gotten out of a long term relationship (6 years) with the guy with whom she was still living, and since i knew she was going through emotional times, I gave her space. I was patient. I texted and called occasionally (a couple to three times a week), trying to maintain distance without crowding, giving space, but still saying I was here.

(Rebound? Was I simply a rebound?)

And then she wouldn't take my calls. And for a couple weeks she wouldn't respond to texts. And then she says she recently started dating someone, but she wants to be "friends." I know one can't force attraction. Either something is there, a spark that kindles, or it isn't. Yet there is still time for growth. And I will wait, because she's a different, special sort. Or so I want to believe, clinging onto that belief at all cost. I can't go through this stuff again.

And now I'm ripped apart. I created this idea. This idea that turned out to not be mutual. Something I would have sacrificed myself for. 

"After she left him, he died. He walked around but he died." — East of Eden

I have now been hollow for 2+ months.

How did I allow this of myself?

Perhaps things will turn around.

"When I think of her I see a future. When I see her, I see a life."

They gave each other a smile with a future in it.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/ringlardne380977.html#0qKktK15C0SvCbuU.99

They gave each other a smile with a future in it.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/ringlardne380977.html#0qKktK15C0SvCbuU.99

They gave each other a smile with a future in it.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/ringlardne380977.html#0qKktK15C0SvCbuU.99

“They gave each other a smile with a future in it.” — Ring Lardner Dream a Little Dream


—Now, I am broken.—


"I don't want any kind of love anymore." East of Eden

******

But I WILL wait. On her. I'm that stubborn.