I know it's no one's fault and I certainly know it's not hers.
I blame myself for allowing this to happen, for allowing myself to feel, for allowing myself the expectations that I should have known not to expect.
"Hope for the best, expect the worst."
"We must accept infinite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope." — Martin Luther King, Jr.
I did both.
...or did I.
I think I had too much hope, but I knew it would be the worse. I foresaw it. And I drove headlong. Like driving toward the cliff hoping you'll fly but knowing you'll crash.
***
I'm hurt, and I'm angered, but not at her—not at you, Amanda. I know better than that. I'm more angry at myself, for allowing it.
"The heart is meant to be broken." — Oscar Wilde
I've guarded myself for a long time. Sometimes, that's not enough. I didn't let my guard down with you, it just happened. There was nothing I could do. Something about you reduced me to something I had not been—or felt—in years. You exposed me, you made me vulnerable. No...I must choose my words more carefully. You did not expose me, you did not make me vulnerable because you didn't do anything on purpose. I allowed myself to be exposed, I allowed my vulnerability to become exposed.
You leveled me. Not intentionally, but because I allowed myself to be exposed.
"You're running from your past and your pain. And yet you keep it so... close to you, so you don't have to be afraid of who you are..." The Saint
"I'm saying you've already done plenty of things to regret, you just don't know what they are. It's when you discover them, when you see the folly in something you've done, and you wish that you had it do over, but you know you can't, because it's too late. So you pick that thing up, and carry it with you to remind you that life goes on, the world will spin without you, you really don't matter in the end. Then you will gain character, because honesty will reach out from inside and tattoo itself across your face." The Big Kahuna
I blame myself.
~Selah
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