"I hope."
*******
Loneliness staring at you with wild eyes.
Life born out of loneliness like a rabid beast let loose on the world.
*******
Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for.
—Dag Hammarskjold
So many things I want to experience and do in life, but I have no one with whom to experience (do I really need someone with whom to experience? That's another philosophical musing in itself).
The eternal quest of the individual human being is to shatter his loneliness.
—Norman Cousins
When I met her, I had hope (and I still cling to hope). When I met her, I decided (yes, I suppose I "decided" even though I did NOT choose the way I felt) that she was the only one with whom I wanted to experience things. In my mental imagery, I created a template for a life that was not real, only desired. This is not, in itself, a very smart (or healthy) thing to do simply because it is these expectations, these hopes, that, once going unfulfilled, are the cause of suffering. "Hope deferred maketh the heart sick." Prov 13:12. Hope, such a dangerous thing, driving men insane with unattainable desires.
"Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man."
—Friedrich Nietzsche
"He that lives upon hope will die fasting." — Benjamin Franklin
But then again, what is life without hope? We either have no hope, and therefore a singular existence that is futile ("To live without hope is to cease to live." —Dostoevsky), or we have too much hope, that we know will never bear fruit. So how do we reconcile ourselves with just enough hope that it keeps us sane but that it doesn't drive us to despair in the end?
"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies."
"Hope deferred maketh the heart sick; But when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life."
—Proverbs 13:12
I can't just randomly, casually date. I have to feel something (physical attraction) first. But isn't that the point in dating? Casually dating until that spark, the chemistry, is felt? Perhaps to most, but not to me. Perhaps then, I delude myself by expecting something to be a certain way without ever trying it out. Love grows, so they say, which would fit in with seeing if the spark happens and kindles into something. That's why people date, to see if there's chemistry.
Which is good, I suppose. It's better if two people's feelings are gradually created together, wherein they can grow together, than a flame that suddenly begins with one person (and possibly eventually slowly dies on one end), while the other person takes time time to kindles and burn. What good is one dying while one is being born? Isn't that, however, the nature of unrequited love, and why we hurt so badly?
I'm tired of being alone. All these things I want to do, for so many years, so many things I have missed out on because there is no (female) companion. I have hoped for so long... Now, the struggle has begun again, to function and to reclaim the peace I once had without love. "I don't like this feeling. It's dark and cold in here."
*******
Love is . . . the principal means of escape from the loneliness which afflicts most men and women throughout the greater part of their lives.
—Bertrand Russell
*******
"I hope." For you, Amanda.
The last time I truly wanted someone so badly was 10 years or so ago. But that brings another problem, the concept of "owning." I don't "want" her, I don't want to possess her. I want her to be a part of my life. I want to grow, experience, build, create: With
"I hope." For us, Amanda.
"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies."
I will not give up on you.
~Selah
It is strange to be known so universally and yet to be so lonely
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/lonely.html#J2YVysDU5eJvbriI.99
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/lonely.html#J2YVysDU5eJvbriI.99
No comments:
Post a Comment