Rebound

I have come to believe that I was simply a rebound.

A rebound from a girl out of a 6 year relationship, the other with whom she was still living, looking to ease the pain of being broken up. I now believe that he broke up with her, but I don't know why. I explained things that happened in previous posts, and this why I think I was a rebound. When I invited her to the wrap party, and she said yes (I didn't know she had recently been broken up for less than a month), it was her way of escaping her own pain and problems. Something she had never done or experienced before, with someone new, to take her mind off of her situation. And she got to meet Jim Carrey. And we had a great time. I could see it in her eyes.

Even when we went to the Botanical gardens before Christmas to see the lights, she was radiant. She loved it. She loved being there, with me, and we had a great time.

After she left for Cincinnati for Christmas, and came back about 1.5 weeks later, we went to the Nutcracker ballet the same night she returned. She waited for me in the parking lot (we met there, as we had done every time we had gotten together), and we went together. At that time, she had a great time (I could see her face and eyes during the show filled with delight), but otherwise she was distant, aloof. Reserved. And that was the last time I ever saw her.

Her birthday was a couple of weeks later, and I told her the week before that I'd like to do something for her. She said that she was already going out with friends, but we could do something the next week. I called to ask the next week, but she didn't answer, and she didn't respond to my voicemail, or texts. This was about the time she started ignoring me.

I don't know what happened.

I believe he broke up with her. But why? Perhaps because:

I do, however, now see that she is emotionally immature. Well, I won't say emotionally immature, but immature in a way I can't pinpoint. After the way she played this game like a high schooler, it confirms immaturity. A 29 year old woman that acts like a high school girl when dealing with guys (or at least with me). If she can't just be honest, but has to resort to "Oh, I'm just gonna ignore him, maybe he'll go away" after two months of talking, is just immature, impolite, childish.  I admit, I'm inexperienced myself, but I am sincere. I am honest. I don't play games, but I don't always know what to properly do.

After she said she would still "love" to be friends (a way of trying to spare me disappointment?) on Valentine's Day (Friday), I texted her (the next Wednesday), said I'd like to talk, and asked if we could get together soon and talk. Today is Friday, and no response.

I now think she is immature and a liar. I don't know what happened, but I now think she has some serious issues. I think I was a rebound that she now has gotten tired of, and that's not cool.

On the other hand, I don't want to rebound anyone. I am hurt, angry, and I am doing anything I can to take my mind away, including neglecting myself. Not eating, little sleep, wine, pushing toward exhaustion, but then I see or meet someone who becomes a ray of hope. And I know that due to my state, I am vulnerable and that person is a crutch. Yes, I am looking to find someone to fill this void, someone to take my mind away (which makes me no different, now, than her, I guess). And even if that person is beautiful, and it turns out that person has a boyfriend, or is married, I am again crushed, as has happened already, more than once.

So delicate and crushed am I, and all because of her.

Amanda, why? Why is this happening?
Amanda, what? What happened?

And here I thought—hoped—you were different.  

After everything, why did you suddenly create this wall between us? Was it something I did, or is it you, your emotional indecision and immaturity? Was it simply a "Oh, that was nice for a while, next please," type of acquaintanceship?

Don't you see I'm sincere? I surrender myself. To you. I'm exposed.

There's nothing more or anyone else I see.

I've surrendered everything in Hope.