Sincerity.

***Headnote: this was originally written 2-18-14, never published until now, and, aside from a dead video link removed, has not been edited***

“If I'm sincere today, what does it matter if I regret it tomorrow?” José Saramago

One way or the other, we might regret. Either we regret saying it, or we regret not saying.

It's a gamble.

Don't (over)think. Do. My problem is both. Maybe it's not a problem. Undoubtedly it IS who I am, though. And I do regret. Many things. Things I said, premature or too late, and things I didn't say, too trembling and scared, thinking it was premature. 

In current musings about my own sincerity, I suddenly realized how one-sided (and possible selfish) sincerity can be.  The foundation of Truth and Honor is complete sincerity; or rather, a complete expanse of multiple facts of truth and honor—not just of oneself but also of the other.


One can be sincere to another person even if one person is at the same time not sincere to oneself. And example of this was touched upon in previous posts (about false expectations, delusions, and desire), wherein by being sincere to and about another person that sincerity is ultimately flawed (even if true ABOUT the other person) because it rests on a false premise and foundation from which it came (falseness from oneself, because the premise was false). If an emotion is true and pure, if a feeling is pure and true, but if it was born of a false idea or desire (even if sincere and pure in direction), the sincerity is only half true for it is sincere to and about the other but insincere to oneself. Sincere feeling might be true for the other person but it not true to myself.

“When pure sincerity forms within, it is outwardly realized in other people's hearts.”  —Laozi

A very difficult concept to grasp if not understood, and NOT contradictory.

It IS possible to be sincere to another person while at the same time being insincere to oneself. The love is real, but the fact that I love you isn't. The fact that I love you is real, but the love isn't.

"I love you, but that love was born out of a false expectation and mental projection." Therefore, the love for the other person is real. Does that make it false? No. It's real to the other person, but false to oneself, even if it is real to oneself. But doesn't that make it also false to the other if born from falseness? No. Because the emotion is true in itself, but not for both.

Be true to yourself.

“Hold faithfulness and sincerity as first principles.”  — Confucius

In by being true to yourself, you are also being true in whatever you do, and therefore by extension to others.

"A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal." — Oscar Wilde

Sunyata (Emptiness (& Enlightenment))

 By becoming empty, one becomes open to completeness.

"[T]he root of all suffering lies in the ignorance of clinging, the error of mistaking the relative for the absolute, the conditioned for the unconditioned. We take imagined separation as real, supposed division as given. By virtue of self- consciousness, we have an awareness of the unconditioned reflected in our conditioned nature, a sense of the real. But under ignorance we do not discriminate between the unconditioned and conditioned, causing us to confuse them and take the relative as absolute. "The error of misplaced absoluteness, the seizing of the determinate as itself ultimate, is the root-error."[116] Sunyata is the antithesis to this error, the antidote for suffering."  — Source

While I have been emotionally emptied due to recent situations, and feel completely hollow, yet completely open, inside, I also now sometimes feel as if I am so openly full of nothing that I am filled with the essence of Being. Although I am not without thought or have a blank, non-dwelling mind, by becoming empty I am now open and filled with the substance of the universe and reality, which is a necessary path to both salvation and enlightenment.

Illusion

 I am not completely empty or devoid of desire, for I still desire her with the essence of my being, but by so desiring I am a prisoner of suffering, which is emptying in itself (and for the fact that everything inside that I consciously and emotionally gave to her I no longer possess, like emptying a house of all furniture). What if the emptiness allows the soul and mind to become a pathway, an open channel to something greater, something more full, simply because it is no longer clogged—impeded—by feelings.

Surrender

Complete surrender and the annihilation of ego in recognition of the Self.

"From the standpoint of liberation, sunyata is the skilful means that disentangle oneself from defilement and unsatisfactoriness. The realisation of sunyata leads one to no attachment and clinging. It is the skilful means towards enlightenment and also the fruit of enlightenment." — Source

This is (a) key to transcendence.

One must unlearn in order to move forward. See "The Hanged Man"

Introspection 

"Absolute Subjectivity is not the ego subject, as in the dualism subject vs object. It is called Subject only because it hints that Reality lies in what now appears to be the direction that we call inward, subjective, towards the very centre of our being, a centre so deep and profound that it is God’s centre as well, we realize that it contains no dualisms at all, either that of subject vs object or inward vs outward. Here is the marriage of heaven and hell, and dualistic language fails us." — Source

"Who looks inside, awakens.” — Jung

Emptiness as pure consciousness without thought or desire and receptive to Spirit; freeing/emptying the mind from the concept of separateness and the externalizations of objects/people/things that are not-I. Free from desire, and by extension free from personal subjective mind and base human emotion of the ego, the unity of the wholeness is complete emptiness.  Pure consciousness.

Detachment

Enlightenment: being freed from the chains of human passion and desire, from base human emotion.  All emotion seeks to satisfy a personal, selfish desire. Unshackling oneself and emptying oneself of these things is being freed, enlightened. 

By not having complex emotions, one becomes childlike. Yes, children experience the simplest of emotions, but they are still emotionally empty, for the most part, and by freeing oneself of these burdens one continues on the path to salvation.  

"Unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven."

— Matthew 18:3

Become like children: unlearn. 

Pure, simple being: A smile while gazing at a sunset, a sunset that becomes you, within and without, signifying nothing but what it is at that Moment. Nothing more. Staring "God" in the face.

Walk into the fire with your eyes open.

"Happiness and suffering inter-are. You should not try to run away from suffering because you know that a deep understanding of suffering can bring about insight, compassion, and understanding. And that is the foundation of happiness." — Source

~Selah




**Further Reading

Wherever You Are, Enlightenment is There

Emptiness is Enlightenment
  

The Hanged Man

"Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens.” — Jung

"The Fool settles beneath a tree, intent on finding his spiritual self. There he stays for nine days, without eating, barely moving. People pass by him, animals, clouds, the wind, the rain, the stars, sun and moon. On the ninth day, with no conscious thought of why, he climbs the tree and dangles from a branch upside down like a child. For a moment, he surrenders all that he is, wants, knows or cares about. Coins fall from his pockets and as he gazes down on them - seeing them not as money but only as round bits of metal.

"It seems to him that his perspective of the world has completely changed, as if his inverted position has allowed him to dangle between the mundane world and the spiritual world, able to see both. It is a dazzling moment, dreamlike yet crystal clear.

"Timeless as this moment of clarity seems, he realizes that it will not last. Very soon, he must right himself, but when he does, things will be different. He will have to act on what he's learned. For now, however, he just hangs, weightless as if underwater, observing, absorbing, seeing." — Source

Meditation. Fasting. Denial of Self. Vulnerability. Surrender. Openness.

"The Hanged Man . . . is totally vulnerable to the world, and in his vulnerability he has found strength. The sacrifice he has made is his own freedom and power in the physical world; in exchange, he is granted real freedom and power on the spiritual plane. He gives up his old ways of looking at things and is blessed with new eyes.

"[T]he Hanged Man also urges you to look at things in a new and different way. If your mind is yelling at you to do something, then doing nothing could be the best thing to do. If something is important to you emotionally but it no longer serves a purpose, you might want to think about letting go of it. And don't try to force anything to happen while the Hanged Man is about. By trying to force changes, you ensure that they never happen. Relax and let things happen instead of trying to interfere. Instead of fighting against the current, let it take you wherever it is flowing.

"When the Hanged Man appears, know that greater wisdom and happiness is at hand, but only if you are prepared to sacrifice something for that wisdom. Sometimes it is something physical you must be deprived of, but in most cases it is a perspective or a viewpoint that must be left behind. For example, a fantasy that you can never fulfill, or a crush on someone who's out of your reach. Inevitably, sacrificing something you value will always lead you to something even more valuable. In the wake of an unattainable dream you will find something else within your reach. Forgetting about one love will allow your heart to open to someone else."

Source

“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.” — Emerson

My curse is acting against intuition. Intuition tells me to do or not to do something; I do the opposite. I struggle, knowing what I should do, but I always find a way to justify my intuition as being wrong, and why I must act against my better judgement. My desire is too strong.

"Those who restrain desire, do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained"

— William Blake

The will to act and to satisfy my impulses are too great, like trying to tame a wild beast let loose in my soul. In a sense, it is like an addiction, although there is no substance at hand except A) emotion and B) perhaps various neurotransmitters. There is a reason we do things: because they make us feel a certain way as we seek to pacify desire and to ease our present conditions and ailments. In so doing, we (or I) create an entirely different condition (or ailment) by the act simple of doing (against better judgement). Substituting one condition for another, when the end result is not as hoped or as expected.  An act that cannot be undone.

"Once done, so it IS."

My desire is too strong to restrain.

Although I have found enlightenment in the past, and have been content many times over, the temptations brought by love and desire have clouded my judgement and caused me to act—or not act—either which turns out to not be in my self interest. Or is that true? Remember, everything happens for a reason. We act, we don't act, and in the greater scheme, the larger plan, there is a reason. In the long run, then, everything falls in to place and everything works out in what was meant to be, so maybe all actions are, in essence, in our best interest simply because everything happens for a reason, regardless if we know the reason.

"What is meant to be, will happen in the right way, with the right person, at the right time."

—Unknown

The greater wisdom and happiness that I found, many years ago, that I still have deep within, must be rediscovered, uncovered, reclaimed, because it has become covered with dust, sitting in the attic of an ancient mansion covered in cobwebs. The great wholeness, the spiritual well of peace and Enlightenment that makes my soul burst with a beauty that is inexpressible and indefinable, can only be reclaimed by hanging upside down, inverted, looking within, and re-gaining a perspective that I have allowed to lie dormant and drowned by a rush of emotions like a burst dam racing through a narrow ravine. 

What is buried must be uncovered. 

What is sick must be cured.  

I must reclaim...myself.

~Selah

Rebound

I have come to believe that I was simply a rebound.

A rebound from a girl out of a 6 year relationship, the other with whom she was still living, looking to ease the pain of being broken up. I now believe that he broke up with her, but I don't know why. I explained things that happened in previous posts, and this why I think I was a rebound. When I invited her to the wrap party, and she said yes (I didn't know she had recently been broken up for less than a month), it was her way of escaping her own pain and problems. Something she had never done or experienced before, with someone new, to take her mind off of her situation. And she got to meet Jim Carrey. And we had a great time. I could see it in her eyes.

Even when we went to the Botanical gardens before Christmas to see the lights, she was radiant. She loved it. She loved being there, with me, and we had a great time.

After she left for Cincinnati for Christmas, and came back about 1.5 weeks later, we went to the Nutcracker ballet the same night she returned. She waited for me in the parking lot (we met there, as we had done every time we had gotten together), and we went together. At that time, she had a great time (I could see her face and eyes during the show filled with delight), but otherwise she was distant, aloof. Reserved. And that was the last time I ever saw her.

Her birthday was a couple of weeks later, and I told her the week before that I'd like to do something for her. She said that she was already going out with friends, but we could do something the next week. I called to ask the next week, but she didn't answer, and she didn't respond to my voicemail, or texts. This was about the time she started ignoring me.

I don't know what happened.

I believe he broke up with her. But why? Perhaps because:

I do, however, now see that she is emotionally immature. Well, I won't say emotionally immature, but immature in a way I can't pinpoint. After the way she played this game like a high schooler, it confirms immaturity. A 29 year old woman that acts like a high school girl when dealing with guys (or at least with me). If she can't just be honest, but has to resort to "Oh, I'm just gonna ignore him, maybe he'll go away" after two months of talking, is just immature, impolite, childish.  I admit, I'm inexperienced myself, but I am sincere. I am honest. I don't play games, but I don't always know what to properly do.

After she said she would still "love" to be friends (a way of trying to spare me disappointment?) on Valentine's Day (Friday), I texted her (the next Wednesday), said I'd like to talk, and asked if we could get together soon and talk. Today is Friday, and no response.

I now think she is immature and a liar. I don't know what happened, but I now think she has some serious issues. I think I was a rebound that she now has gotten tired of, and that's not cool.

On the other hand, I don't want to rebound anyone. I am hurt, angry, and I am doing anything I can to take my mind away, including neglecting myself. Not eating, little sleep, wine, pushing toward exhaustion, but then I see or meet someone who becomes a ray of hope. And I know that due to my state, I am vulnerable and that person is a crutch. Yes, I am looking to find someone to fill this void, someone to take my mind away (which makes me no different, now, than her, I guess). And even if that person is beautiful, and it turns out that person has a boyfriend, or is married, I am again crushed, as has happened already, more than once.

So delicate and crushed am I, and all because of her.

Amanda, why? Why is this happening?
Amanda, what? What happened?

And here I thought—hoped—you were different.  

After everything, why did you suddenly create this wall between us? Was it something I did, or is it you, your emotional indecision and immaturity? Was it simply a "Oh, that was nice for a while, next please," type of acquaintanceship?

Don't you see I'm sincere? I surrender myself. To you. I'm exposed.

There's nothing more or anyone else I see.

I've surrendered everything in Hope.

Exhaustion

Pushing to the limits
of physical, mental, and
emotional exhaustion
in a conscious effort
to rediscover
Enlightenment
in the ashes of
Hope.

Despair

When you're empty,
those dreaded words,
like stark funeral bells in the dead of winter,
echo forever
through your hollow soul...

~Selah

Hope & Loneliness

"I hope."

*******

Loneliness staring at you with wild eyes.

Life born out of loneliness like a rabid beast let loose on the world. 

******* 

Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for.

—Dag Hammarskjold

So many things I want to experience and do in life, but I have no one with whom to experience (do I really need someone with whom to experience? That's another philosophical musing in itself).

The eternal quest of the individual human being is to shatter his loneliness.

—Norman Cousins

When I met her, I had hope (and I still cling to hope). When I met her, I decided (yes, I suppose I "decided" even though I did NOT choose the way I felt) that she was the only one with whom I wanted to experience things. In my mental imagery, I created a template for a life that was not real, only desired. This is not, in itself, a very smart (or healthy) thing to do simply because it is these expectations, these hopes, that, once going unfulfilled, are the cause of suffering. "Hope deferred maketh the heart sick." Prov 13:12. Hope, such a dangerous thing, driving men insane with unattainable desires.

"Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man."

—Friedrich Nietzsche

"He that lives upon hope will die fasting." — Benjamin Franklin

But then again, what is life without hope? We either have no hope, and therefore a singular existence that is futile ("To live without hope is to cease to live." —Dostoevsky), or we have too much hope, that we know will never bear fruit. So how do we reconcile ourselves with just enough hope that it keeps us sane but that it doesn't drive us to despair in the end?

"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies."

"Hope deferred maketh the heart sick; But when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life."

—Proverbs 13:12

I can't just randomly, casually date. I have to feel something (physical attraction) first.  But isn't that the point in dating? Casually dating until that spark, the chemistry, is felt? Perhaps to most, but not to me. Perhaps then, I delude myself by expecting something to be a certain way without ever trying it out. Love grows, so they say, which would fit in with seeing if the spark happens and kindles into something. That's why people date, to see if there's chemistry.

Which is good, I suppose. It's better if two people's feelings are gradually created together, wherein they can grow together, than a flame that suddenly begins with one person (and possibly eventually slowly dies on one end), while the other person takes time time to kindles and burn. What good is one dying while one is being born? Isn't that, however, the nature of unrequited love, and why we hurt so badly?

I'm tired of being alone. All these things I want to do, for so many years, so many things I have missed out on because there is no (female) companion. I have hoped for so long... Now, the struggle has begun again, to function and to reclaim the peace I once had without love. "I don't like this feeling. It's dark and cold in here."

*******

Love is . . . the principal means of escape from the loneliness which afflicts most men and women throughout the greater part of their lives.

—Bertrand Russell

*******

"I hope." For you, Amanda. 

The last time I truly wanted someone so badly was 10 years or so ago. But that brings another problem, the concept of "owning." I don't "want" her, I don't want to possess her. I want her to be a part of my life. I want to grow, experience, build, create: With

"I hope." For us, Amanda. 

 

"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies."


I will not give up on you. 

~Selah

It is strange to be known so universally and yet to be so lonely
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/lonely.html#J2YVysDU5eJvbriI.99

It is strange to be known so universally and yet to be so lonely.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/lonely.html#J2YVysDU5eJvbriI.99

It is strange to be known so universally and yet to be so lonely.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/lonely.html#J2YVysDU5eJvbriI.99